he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
