There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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