I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
