Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
