Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Welp...herpes.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
