just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i think my tv is drunk
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
