you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
