I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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