I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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