dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
