I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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