And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
