the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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