I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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