nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Randomize
