I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
