My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
