I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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