$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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