is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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