I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
