I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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