someone threw a dead crab at me
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
