Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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