Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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