I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
