i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
