according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The Olympian is in my bed
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
