Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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