so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
