I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
