I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
