i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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