im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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