I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
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