By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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