took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
