I swear god or herbie drove my car home
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
