Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The beer is more important than you right now.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
