Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
