I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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