Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
