an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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