I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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