im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
