im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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