I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
