Umm I'm too high to move.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
