Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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