The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
