Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
